The end of the year?

nothing to do with art

I am a big fan of John Scalzi's writing and have read many of his scifi books. I've been perusing his blog off and on this year, and his post "The end of 2020*" struck me as how I feel about the turn from the old year to the new as well. Basically, 2020 isn't over yet.

It totally feels like "same shit, different day" everywhere in my life. On the personal front, I am feeling totally uninspired to paint, I have no energy or desire to plan or set goals for 2021, and my job is a boring dead end, so dragging myself out of bed every morning is harder and harder.

On a national front, nothing has really changed since Trump is still President. And then yesterday his supporters had to go an attempt a coup, putting a cherry on top of the last four years of this absolute dumpster-fire-floating-down-a-flooded-street of a shit show administration.


So, yeah.

Honestly, I think it may just be that 2020 finally caught up to me. I've been mad and pissed and frustrated at various times last year, but I always managed to compartmentalize and power through it. I kept working on my budding art biz, and painting, and job searching. But I don't feel like I can keep doing it lately. I feel totally exhausted all the time, frazzled, discouraged, on the verge of tears daily, and frustrated. It feels like all this will never end. I am just so tired.

I'm trying not to get too myopic on it though. I've been actively practicing gratitude for a few days, trying to work myself out of the funk. 'Cause there really is a lot to be grateful for in my life! I am so lucky I have many, many privileges that make things easier for me. We are not struggling financially. I am not at risk for police violence just going about my daily life. I don't have to risk my life and health to keep my job.

So while I may feel shitty and depressed I try to remind myself that this will pass. Some of these feelings have come and gone before, there's no reason to believe this time will be different. Hopefully the Biden administration will have the political will to enact some real changes and undo some of the horrors of the last 4 years. People will get the Covid vaccine and we'll be able to see people in person again, and travel, and use dressing rooms when shopping again. Things will get better.

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